Don't Bother Grading Those Physics Exams

Grab your towels, yo. A clique of European scientists think they've measured sub-atomic particles moving faster than the speed of light.

Obviously, physicists throughout the world are wetting themselves in terror, disbelief, and complete and total skepticism. Probably, some body or some thing fucked this up. Besides, everybody knows CERN's accelerators are total party accelerators.

If this is a real deal and not just some Antonio guy messing with us, then Einstein's view of the universe (ahem, our version of the universe) will come crashing down like so many baby carriages down the Odessa Steps. (Obviously, now that Einstein's just some dude with a broken theory, I get him confused with Sergei Eisenstein, just like I confuse Wayne and Issac Newton.)

Dodgeball in the future is gonna be fucking intense. I plan on going there in my time machine to check it out. Well, that assumes that future president Calvin Coolidge doesn't fuck with my TARDIS.

SparksTV

I'm sure there are people reading this post who love Nicholas Sparks, because he is very popular! He has written something like 10,000 novels—which are not "romance novels," even though they are about romance, because he is a dude, and therefore he a novelist who writes about romance and not a romance novelist, no doy—and they have sold about 30 trillion copies apiece and they have all been made into films starring famous attractive white people, each of which has made like 100 nonillion dollars at the box office. Like I said, he's very popular!

Which means there are almost certainly people reading this post who love him, or his books, or the movies they've made of his books, and to those of you in that category, I am sorry for hating Nicholas Sparks SO MUCH. I really hate him and all his stupid stories and how he is treated very differently from ladies who write about romance because he is dudely, which really isn't his fault but I think he likes the taste of those cookies, if you know what I mean.

Please understand I don't judge anyone for liking Nicholas Sparks because literature and film and the stories we like are very subjective things! And even if it could be objectively determined that his stories are terrible, I like lots of things that are pretty widely regarded as garbage myself, so TO EACH HIR OWN, I say! (I definitely said that first, right? Probably.)

Anyway! You go on with your mad love for Nicholas Sparks, and don't let the fact that I HATE HIM WITH THE FIERY PASSION OF 10,000 SUNS make you feel impugned or cajoled into changing your opinion. I know this is a very long preamble, but I really just hate him A LOT!

Thing is, if you love him as much as I hate him, consider this post GOOD NEWS, because this will definitely be your favorite show:

Nicholas Sparks is making his first foray into TV writing. The bestselling novelist, whose books have spawned several hit feature films, has sold an original story idea to ABC for a drama series that will be produced by ABC Studios and Twilight producer Temple Hill. The drama, titled The Watchers, tells the story of a fallen angel looking for his mortal love.

..."I've always wanted to create a smart, unconventional show about angels on Earth, and ABC is the perfect home for this kind of imaginative, character-driven drama," said Sparks

"Who HASN'T always wanted to create a smart, unconventional show about angels on Earth?"—Michael Landon. RIP Michael Landon.

I hope that they cast Nicholas Cage Bruno Ganz as the angel looking for his moral love and Meg Ryan Solveig Dommartin as his mortal love and then they rename this project City of Angels Wings of Desire.

FREE TIP, HOLLYWOOD!

(That's what the angel looking for his mortal love said.)

Sure

Mike Huckabee says: "The abortion industry [is] a multimillion dollar industry specifically designed in order to terminate life and make people rich. Let's not kid ourselves; this is not about elevating women this is about elevating wealth on behalf of those who profit from the sale of death."

LOL yup.

Every reproductive rights advocate I know is rolling in dough! WE ARE SO RICH!

True Fact: Every time someone gets an abortion, every professional-grade steampunk abortion robot such as myself gets a 10¢ commission. That's why I live in steampunk mansion with a gold-plated bidet.