Showing posts with label Garbage TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Garbage TV. Show all posts

Thursday, September 22, 2011

SparksTV

I'm sure there are people reading this post who love Nicholas Sparks, because he is very popular! He has written something like 10,000 novels—which are not "romance novels," even though they are about romance, because he is a dude, and therefore he a novelist who writes about romance and not a romance novelist, no doy—and they have sold about 30 trillion copies apiece and they have all been made into films starring famous attractive white people, each of which has made like 100 nonillion dollars at the box office. Like I said, he's very popular!

Which means there are almost certainly people reading this post who love him, or his books, or the movies they've made of his books, and to those of you in that category, I am sorry for hating Nicholas Sparks SO MUCH. I really hate him and all his stupid stories and how he is treated very differently from ladies who write about romance because he is dudely, which really isn't his fault but I think he likes the taste of those cookies, if you know what I mean.

Please understand I don't judge anyone for liking Nicholas Sparks because literature and film and the stories we like are very subjective things! And even if it could be objectively determined that his stories are terrible, I like lots of things that are pretty widely regarded as garbage myself, so TO EACH HIR OWN, I say! (I definitely said that first, right? Probably.)

Anyway! You go on with your mad love for Nicholas Sparks, and don't let the fact that I HATE HIM WITH THE FIERY PASSION OF 10,000 SUNS make you feel impugned or cajoled into changing your opinion. I know this is a very long preamble, but I really just hate him A LOT!

Thing is, if you love him as much as I hate him, consider this post GOOD NEWS, because this will definitely be your favorite show:
Nicholas Sparks is making his first foray into TV writing. The bestselling novelist, whose books have spawned several hit feature films, has sold an original story idea to ABC for a drama series that will be produced by ABC Studios and Twilight producer Temple Hill. The drama, titled The Watchers, tells the story of a fallen angel looking for his mortal love.

..."I've always wanted to create a smart, unconventional show about angels on Earth, and ABC is the perfect home for this kind of imaginative, character-driven drama," said Sparks
"Who HASN'T always wanted to create a smart, unconventional show about angels on Earth?"—Michael Landon. RIP Michael Landon.

I hope that they cast Nicholas Cage Bruno Ganz as the angel looking for his moral love and Meg Ryan Solveig Dommartin as his mortal love and then they rename this project City of Angels Wings of Desire.

FREE TIP, HOLLYWOOD!

(That's what the angel looking for his mortal love said.)

Top Chef: Just Desserts Open Thread


The ghost of Richard Blais returns and possesses Katzie to do some bullshit with nitrous oxide. You know this is a baking show, right, not a freezing show?

Last night's episode will be discussed in detail, so if you haven't seen it, and don't want any spoilers, pack your nitro-burning funny car and go...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

This Is (Soon To Be) a Real Thing in the Real World

The details of this seem genuinely incredible, but, supposedly, Ted Haggard and Gary Busey will swap wives on the new celebrity version of the detestable ABC reality series, Wife Swap.
According to unconfirmed reports, the former New Life Church pastor and his wife will star in the new ABC reality series, "Celebrity Wife Swap," on which they will swap partners (without sex) with actor Gary Busey and his partner.

Sources have told The Gazette that the show will shoot Thursday at the GLBT Pride Center in Colorado Springs.

...The premise is simple: Haggard and Busey will swap wives for a short time. The first couple of days, the husbands make the rules for their new "spouses." After that, the wives take charge. The fun could come from the conflict between Haggard and his reality wife (no word if it’s Busey's fiancĂ©e and mother of his new son, or one of his ex-wives), whom sources say is a spiritual woman but not a fan of organized religion.

On the surface, it might seem like an unlikely pairing, but there are several surprising parallels between Busey and Haggard. Busey is a born-again Christian and active minister with Promise Keepers, and Haggard has returned to the ministry as pastor of St. James, a new nondenominational Christian church in Colorado Springs.
Huh? Buh? Zuh?

So, Busey, who is now a Promise Keeper (whut), isn't even married (phew) and thus doesn't have a wife to be swapped (barf), but they're nonetheless going to be filming an episode of Wife Swap at a GLBT Pride Center (yikes)? Does not compute.

This sounds so goddamned stupid that it's probably true.

[Via Andy.]

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Thanks, Chaz!

I didn't watch Dancing with the Stars last night, but, after seeing a lot written about Chaz Bono's performance, I sought it out so I could watch it. And it was exactly as joyful and fun as I kept reading it was. I'm sure there are corners of the internetz inhabited by people who say other things, nasty things, for reasons other than simply not appreciating what is basically bad amateur dancing, but all I can do is feel pity for people whose bigotry prevents them from enjoying watching Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer dance.


Video Description: Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer do the cha-cha.

It takes some serious bravery to face the eleventy metric fucktons of body policing, for being trans and for being fat, that Chaz Bono faces and get on national television and do something that demands focus on your body. (And defies expectations of what fat bodies are supposed to do.) That's some inspiring teaspoonery, right there. Thanks, Chaz.

The More Things Change...

[Trigger warning for rape culture, misogyny, racism, and ableism.]

So, last night, I decided to watch the pilots of two of the new woman-centered sitcoms that two of the networks had to offer us (ladies!) this fall: First, I watched CBS' 2 Broke Girls, which stars Kat Dennings as a cynical waitress and struggling cupcake entrepreneur, and Beth Behrs as the daughter of a Bernie Madoff-type scoundrel who has taken a job at the diner and become Dennings' roommate because the feds seized the family's assets, including her trust fund. Both of the actresses are young, white, and conventionally attractive.

image of Dennings and Behrs in costume from '2 Broke Girls'

Three minutes into the show, there was racism all over the place. The owner/manager of the diner, played by Matthew Moy, is a ridiculous Asian stereotype: He has Americanized his name to Bryce, prompting Dennings to exclaim, "So your name is Bryce Lee?" Huge laugh.

Garrett Morris is cast as a ridiculous Black stereotype, tasked with delivering unbelievable lines like: "You might as well be a night maid at the Schwarzenegger house, because you got screwed!" and: "That girl is working harder than Stephen Hawking trying to put in cufflinks!" Yiiiiiiiiiiikes.

There are more racist jokes (such as they are) and gender essentialist claptrap all over the place, and then there is this scene: The erstwhile heiress, with nowhere to go, falls asleep on the subway, where the career waitress discovers her. When she touches her to awaken her, the heiress startles and tasers her (with her pink taser, natch). Apologetically, the heiress explains, "I thought I was being raped!" To which the tasee replies, "That's not what rape feels like!" Huge laugh.

On the upside, at least it was a rape joke indicating that rape is bad. On the not-upside, an audience roared at a female character acknowledging having been raped. Whoops.

There is something positive to be said for 2 Broke Girls: Both lead female characters are allowed to be smart and capable and competent. Their relationship is not set up as a competition, but as a complementary friendship. It was really quite radical and wonderful. Too bad there's so much garbage undermining what could have made for a really neat show.

Next, I watched NBC's Whitney, a star vehicle for Whitney Cummings, who coincidentally co-created 2 Broke Girls with Sex and the City's Michael Patrick King. Whitney has no discernible hook: It's a crappy sitcom about a white, straight, conventionally attractive woman in a relationship with a white, straight, conventionally attractive dude. They have some boring friends, all of whom are white, except for Neal, played by Maulik Pancholy, whom Whitney's mother mistakes for a doctor and a valet. Hardy har.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, blah blah.

image of Whitney and her boyfriend, getting ready for a wedding in the pilot episode

And then there is this scene: Whitney is insecure about their relationship because their third anniversary is coming up and they don't have sex four times a week, which Cosmo says they should be having. She asks her boyfriend if he remembers what they did on their last anniversary. "You took Tylenol PM. In the AM," he says. She replies, "I got the bottles mixed up! And, as I recall, you had sex with me anyway!" And he retorts, "It was our ANNIVERSARY!" Huge laugh.

So, basically, we are asked to find Whitney's boyfriend a likable character despite the fact that he raped her on their anniversary. Um, no. He is horrible and this show is garbage.

After I was done with my research into The Television Industry Speaks to Women, Fall 2011, I flipped over to an old episode of Laverne & Shirley, from 1976. In the episode, Hector (Greg Antonacci) has gotten mad that neither Laverne (Penny Marshall) nor Shirley (Cindy Williams) will go out with him, so he writes their names and number on the men's bathroom wall at Vinnie's Pool Hall, along with a note that they're "easy."

image of Laverne and Shirley daydreaming on the factory line

Laverne and Shirley don't know he's done this, so they're mystified by the sexually harassing prank calls they're getting and pleased when two guys they work with call them for a date.

The two guys show up for their date and immediately try to rape Laverne and Shirley. The scene is played for laughs, and gets a huge laugh from the audience.

I was born in 1974. For my entire lifetime, a woman-centered comedy show must contain "jokes" about the female lead(s) getting raped or almost getting raped, in order to appeal to a mass audience. If that doesn't perfectly illustrate that we live in a rape culture, I can't imagine what would.

Friday, September 16, 2011

This is a real thing in the world.

back and front images of Tim Allen promotional air freshener

A Tim Allen promotional air freshener—a term I use loosely since it smells like a chemically-created facsimile of BBQ chicken—being used to market Allen's new show, Last Man Standing, which was originally titled Man Up when I first wrote about it.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, "To capitalize on the Tim Allen comedy's 'manly man' theme, the network is handing out barbecue chicken-scented Allen air fresheners at hardware stores, gyms and auto-parts stores. Football games will host show-themed food trucks and 'man caves'." Of course they will.

[Insert grunting apelike noises here.]

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Top Chef: Just Desserts Open Thread


Comcast sucks monkey ass. Last night they refused to actually air Bravo. All I got was the message "This channel should be available shortly." Whut? Ummm, yeah, fuck you, Comcast. So, instead I watched Matlock. Basically out of spite. Matlock did make a pretty tasty looking sandwich, and maybe I was better off. If you happened to see "The Cover Girl" ep on the Hallmark Channel last night, you can discuss that, too. Or talk about the Wonka disaster that was Top Chef. Either or. I don't care.

As per usual, last night's episodes will be discussed in detail, so if you haven't seen it, and don't want any spoilers, pack your linen suits and go...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Set Your DVRs!

[Trigger warning for homophobic and misogynistic slurs; heterocentrism.]

Speaking of garbage projects from the garbagetainment industry, NBC is reportedly developing a new comedy series with the working title My Best Friend Is a Lesbo.
The project, from Warner Bros TV and Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage's studio-based Fake Empire, is about two best female friends — one straight, the other gay — who become roommates and help each other navigate life, love, and dating in Los Angeles. The semi-autobiographical comedy is based on the real-life friendship of writers and longtime roommates Sascha Rothchild and Randi Barnes, who will co-pen the script together. This is a rare paring of the two, who are not a writing team. They will co-executive produce My Best Friend Is a Lesbo, with Fake Empire's Schwartz, Savage and Len Goldstein executive producing. If the project goes to series, its provocative title will probably be toned down the way ABC's Good Christian Bitches became Good Christian Belles and The Bitch At Apt. 23 was shortened to Apartment 23.
I love how the "provocative title" is deemed the most problematic element, and not the treating as HIGHLARIOUSLY RADICAL two friends of differing sexualities. I also love how the use of "lesbo" is definitely the "provocative" part and not the centering of the straight woman right in the title, despite the fact that the show is ostensibly about the two of them equally.

Coincidentally, the working title of Deeky's and my Victorian werewolf docudramedy is My BFF Is Not a Lesbo. Small world!