If there's one thing I know about feminists, it's that they love to get mad about stuff. I've noticed, for example, how much crybabying there is around here about how new movies stink. And for once I agree with you. New movies are a waste of time. That's why I stick to the classics, like Universal Soldier and Universal Soldier: The Return. That's also why I am starting a new feature to tell you about good movies. It's called Butch Goes to the Movies. Except I'm not going to the movies. I'm going down to Denny's Video Dojo and renting this shit.
But today I am not renting anything because I own these on Beta, VHS, laserdisc, DVD, and Blu-Ray. And I am schooling you on not one but three video classics. That's right—I am talking about the greatest trilogy of films in history. Mad Max! Hell yeah! Movies do not get any better than this. Don't believe me? Read up and learn, future Maxologists.
Mad Max
The first movie is about a cop named Mad Max who kicks the asses of a bunch of bikers in the Australian outback. These bikers all have dumb names like Toecutter and Johnny the Boy and crap like that. Basically the bikers are out to get revenge on Max because there was a totally wicked car chase at the start of the movie where the gang's leader named Nightrider was killed. These guys hate the cops who are named Max and Goose and Fifi.
Mad Max is played by Mel Gibson way before he was famous and before he became a world-class douchemonster. Look, Mel, this ain't the Dark Ages: Don't be a racist against Jews (or anyone) and don't assault women. And ONLY call women "sugartits" if you're dating them. Damn, it ain't rocket surgery, Mel. Grow up! Plus, that beaver movie with Clarice Starling looks like shit.
Anyways, the bikers cause all kinds of trouble up and down the Australian countryside, because, unless every biker-related movie since the days of Marlon Brando has been lying to me, that's what bikers do. And eventually the cops arrest Johnny the Boy who the gang doesn't even seem to like very much. But he's got one of those slick lawyers who gets him off (that's what she said) and he goes free. This pisses off Goose who beats up Johnny the Boy.
Later Johnny the Boy gets revenge by cooking Goose's goose which makes the gang like him more. Max freaks out that his best friend is all messed up and he tries to quit the cop force but Fifi tells him to go on vacation and think it over. So Max takes his wife and his kid who is named Sprog to the Oceanside.
Okay, look, at this point, you might be hoping that I will whip out some facts from my brainpan's container of wicked film knowledge and explain what the hell is up with all the weird names in Australia, but I don't know, all right? It's messed up! There's a fact for you. Also, film history fans, notice how Top Gun totally stole the name Goose for their sidekick. Even back then Hollywood was out of good ideas.
Anyways, while on vacation, Max's wife and Sprog (messed up!) go to buy an ice cream cone and run into the biker gang. She smashes her ice cream into Toecutter's face before they can grab her. She barely escapes. But later they track her down and kill both her and Sprog. Max totally loses it. I guess this is where he becomes Mad. He's more than mad. But I guess they couldn't call the movie Totally Fucking Pissed Off Max. I would have if it was my movie. But I guess that's why I'm not in Hollywood. Or whatever the Australian version of Hollywood is. Melbourne?
Max decides to stay a cop and chases Toecutter and Johnny the Boy into the Forbidden Zone. I guess some nuclear shit happened in Australia in this movie. One by one Mad Max kills the bikers and that's pretty much the end. There are some awesome car crashes and great chases. Not a flawless film, because things in the middle get slow. Like who needs to see all that romantic shit in the middle with Max and his wife on vacation? This ain't When Harry Met Kangaroo Sally, Mate.
The Road Warrior
Okay, let me just say, this is the best one of the series obviously because this is the best movie ever made. Mad Max is still in the future and more nuclear shit has gone down. Like all the way down. Everything is fucked up, there is no civilization. It's total chaos, like free-skate used to be on Thursday nights out at the old Skate-and-Skeet. The only good thing about that is that it's where I took Tammy on our first date. You should see the powder-blue jumpsuit I used to wear to free-skate, which had a fuckin' rollerskate done in fuckin' glitter on the back, man. Good times. They tore down the Skate-and-Skeet years ago, though. I bawled when that happened, man.
Anyways, no one has gas in the future. No one has bullets either. And even though it's the middle of the desert, everyone is wearing leather. Hey, I'm no femifart sociologist here, just a red-blooded film buff, but it is strongly implied that the bad guys in this film are total queers. Man, I suppose I'm getting soft in my old age, but even old Butch has been to a gay wedding (that's a whole 'nother post, brother), and treating queers like they're freakos (in a bad way) is the one thing that kind of dates this film. I guess that was just the '80s for you.
Which is really weird, when you think about it, because everyone looked like a bunch of queerbaits in the '80s. I think every guy I knew was technically gay for a period of about three years, until we found out all the members of Duran Duran were dudes.
Anyways, Max is no longer a cop because there are no more cops now because there is no more society. Just gangs who fight each other for gasoline I guess so they can drive around looking for more gasoline. Talk about some serious social commentary on our dependence on fossil fuels. That's what makes this movie so good. Ha ha! Just kidding. What makes this movie so good is the fucking car chases. No shit.
The movie starts with an awesome car chase and shootout between Max and his dog named Dog versus some bikers in mohawks and leather chaps. Max has a new enemy named Wez. He's a major league freako and would probably read Shakesville if they had the internet and blogs and shit in this movie. I'm kidding. The guy is a total fascist. He'd read Andrew Breitbart.
So Max makes enemies of the bikers and befriends a guy named Gyro who has a little helicopter. Gyro takes Max to a refinery that the biker gang is trying to invade. Inside the refinery are the good guys (you can tell because they all wear white and have blonde hair). The bikers are led by Lord Humungus who was really a pro wrestler. I think he even provided his own costume.
Then Max saves some of the good guys and gets inside the refinery and offers to help them in exchange for some gasoline. The good guys are named Pappagallo and Warrior Woman and the Feral Kid who is a feral kid. Let me just say this little guy is the toughest kid in movies ever. He doesn't speak he just grunts and he has a fox tail sewn to his butt and he throws a super-deadly boomerang. I am pretty sure if he wanted to, he could have killed Mad Max, too, and Mad Max is the toughest man in movies so that is really saying something.
Anyways, Mad Max and Pappagallo work out a plan to leave the refinery with as much gas as they can so they can get to the beach and restart civilization. But they'll need a diesel truck to do that. And Mad Max knows where to find one. So he has to sneak out then come back with a truck, which is not so easy since the place is surrounded by Wez and Humungus and all the bikers. (Hey, I wonder if any of these bikers were in the other gang in the first movie. Wouldn't that be a trip?) But shit like this is just a walkabout in the park for Mad Max.
And then the real shit happens: The world's greatest chase scene ever filmed ever. This is why God gave us celluloid. It's 100% bad-ass. There are like a thousand bad guys vs. Mad Max in his diesel tanker truck. And guess who wins? That's right. It ain't a spoiler to say Mad Max kicks everyone's ass. If you want to see some of it, click here. It's violent as hell, because Mad Max doesn't take no shit.
And surprise surprise (these are spoilers) there is even a twist ending. There's no gasoline in Mad Max's truck. In your face, biker gang! While Mad Max was leading the bikers all across the Outback (man, now I want a Bloomin' Onion) the good guys were sneaking out the back door with all the gas. And then they blew up the refinery which is the biggest explosion in the history of film, seriously. In your face again, biker gang!
At the very end, the good guys head into the sunset leaving Mad Max behind. He's a lone wolf. Like old Butch.
(Except for when I'm dating, engaged, and/or married to Tammy.)
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
Note: "Thunderdome" keeps coming up in spell check. How is that possible? This is a real word now, Harvard dictionary eggheads. Get on that, okay?
Now it's way farther in the future and there is no more gas. None! At least not in Australia. Mad Max's car is being pulled by camels. Camels! What the heck, man? Yeah, and he is hella old too. He has long hair like he's Kip Winger or something now. He also has a pet monkey.
So some dude in a plane who is played by the same guy who was Gyro in the last movie but is a different character now which is kind of confusing flies by and kicks Mad Max in the head and knocks him in the sand and steals his camel wagon. Damn! You know this shit won't stand, right? Right.
And because that monkey is clever he starts flinging things out of this wagon leaving a trail all the way to Bartertown. Bartertown: Home of Thunderdome. Ah, yeah! Bartertown is a town in the desert where people trade shit. Like if I had a shitload of illegal fireworks in my garage and wanted to trade them for a couple bags of good weed or an outboard motor or something, I'd go to Bartertown.
Which, come to think of it, kind of makes my garage like Barterton. Which makes it a lot cooler, actually. Imma Lillian Vernon "Bartertown" onto some shit and hang it up in the garage.
But Bartertown sucks shit for Max, because his ass has nothing to trade. Thanks, used-to-be-Gyro dude! Anyway, the guy at Bartertown's gate looks at Mad Max and can tell what a badass he is and has him escorted inside. To Tina Turner's apartment! "You better be good to me, Mad Max!" Ha! I crack myself up. First off, Tina Turner should be in more movies. Secondly, her name is Aunty Entity, and I don't even know what that is supposed to mean.
Aunty offers Mad Max an apple and then all hell breaks loose. Like twenty dudes in mohawks jump out and try to beat the shit out of Max. Hey, dumbasses! That's Mad Max! You can't kick his ass! You shouldn't even try. Dude! Yeah, Max pounds them all. And then Aunty congratulates him and tells him she has a job for him. Turns out this was all an audition for Max to kick some ass in Thunderdome. Yes! Thunderdome.
Here's the deal: Bartertown runs on methane which comes from a pig farm under Bartertown. The pig farm is run by Master Blaster, who's an asshole. And Master Blaster is actually two people. Blaster is a big guy and Master is a little dude who rides around on his back. They like to have embargoes and turn off the electricity to Bartertown which makes Aunty look like an asshole. So she wants Max to kill Blaster.
But since Aunty is all trying to build a society with laws and shit, she can't just have him assassinated. Max has to pick a fight and they'll have to duel it out in Thunderdome. So Max gets a job shoveling pig shit and it turns out his monkey is down there and so is his car. Max demands his car back and Blaster tries to snap his neck but then Aunty's guards come out and stop him. If there's a dispute, they have to settle it in Thunderdome. Hell yeah!
Here's the rule of Thunderdome: Two men enter, one man leaves. That's it! To the death! Thunderdome is a geodesic dome cage thing. With chainsaws and axes and swords and shit inside. And bungees. Yes! Bungees! Mad Max and Blaster are attached to bungees and they have chainsaws and they battle it out! Hell yeah! Blaster is like twice as big as Max and almost beats him but Max comes out victorious. It's a pretty awesome fight. You can watch it here.
But at the end of the fight, Max figures out Blaster is just a guy with a disability and doesn't even know what he's doing so he refuses to kill him. But then one of Aunty's henchman, a weirdo named Ironbar (and seriously Mad Max, your character names are ridiculous), kills the guy anyway. Then Aunty gets pissed and since Max broke the deal he has to face the wheel. Yeah, it rhymes because it's Tina Turner and she likes shit that rhymes. And basically Mad Max gets banished. They tie him up and put him on a horse and send him into the desert.
Then things get weird.
Days later Max wakes up on a canyon oasis surround by little kids. What? Yeah, I told you: Weird. These kids are all wearing loincloths and have tans and crazy hair and they think Mad Max is a plane captain that has come to save them all and take them back to civilization. I know, right? It turns out a big plane crashed in the desert and some of the survivors had some kids and lived in this canyon but basically didn't want to live there forever so they left and went to get help. But they never came back for the kids. They've just been hanging out waiting and swimming and getting tan. It's sort of Lord of the Flies meets Jersey Shore.
So the kids want Mad Max to fly them out of there on the broken-ass plane but Max is all hell no. First off, he likes it there. Fresh water and mangoes and plus he's way bigger than everyone and gets to boss them all around. He's like king of the kids. He probably misses Sprog still. Anyway, he says there is nowhere to go and this place is a good as it gets and that's that.
But kids will be kids, right? And a bunch of them run off one night to find civilization. I guess they're tired of living in a canyon, which would be pretty boring I admit. Of course now Max has to go rescue them. Mad Max is always sticking his neck out for someone. People are such jerks to Max.
The kids end up at Bartertown which is no place for them. What are they gonna do? Trade their mangoes for shit? Nope! Then Max catches up with them and comes up with an awesome plan. He'll rescue Master who is now powerless without Blaster and being treated like shit by Aunty. And you know what that means, right? Chase scene!
Okay, so the last movie has the greatest chase ever. We've established that. It's fact. And there is no way to top that, right? Don't even try! And this movie doesn't. Instead it does something totally new. Mad Max and the kids and Blaster all jump on a train (a fucking train!) and barrel out of town with Aunty and Ironbar and all the other henchmen chasing them. Brilliant!
Of course the chase is still pretty awesome. That's why you watch a Mad Max movie. Not for the kids, or the love stories, or the intrigue of shit shoveling. Nope. You watch it for the chases. And the crashes. Big chases always equal big crashes. And this movie doesn’t disappoint. And I am pretty sure this is the only movie that features a train chase.
Anyways, the chase ends in another big ass crash and all the kids get away but Mad Max is left behind. Again. It kind of sucks. But like I said, he's a lone wolf.
So that's that. You should buy these movies. Or get them from Qwikster or whatever it is called now. They are the awesomest movies ever made. EVER.
Pornstache out.
